My Quest for Happiness

Being happy is not an easy state for me to achieve. That's why I have so many quick and easy tips - ones that quickly energize and help me to focus on something uplifting. Music, for one, is my quick fix.

As an aside, and just so you understand my situation more fully - part of my challenge is actually chemical too. I suffer from clinical depression (seems to run in my gene pool); but I refuse to ride the drug train to happiness. I have needed a kick start on 2 to 3 occasions when I had to seek the aid of anti-depressant meds; a necessary evil when you can't get off the couch. However, I have learned that I can actually keep myself in check by maintaining weekly routines of regular tasks and activities, supplemented with sufficient exercise.

The other part of my challenge is all me.

The other day, I started thinking about "being happy" when I was with a friend of mine. I appreciate and admire her because she always seems to be perpetually laughing. She's not inhuman; but she seems to have the gift of laughing at life - especially when she sees herself as the joke. She is a joy to be around for that very reason and her example gives me something I can strive to emulate.

Yet, it's different with me - I'm different - though not unique. For me, it seems like I'm on a quest to be happy. It's not that I'm an unhappy person - it's more like I postpone my happiness. I wait till the moment is appropriate - like after I've finished working. God forbid that I have fun when I'm supposed to be serious.

In fact, while thinking about this, I had an "aha" moment. Taking an archetypical example, I saw that my "inner child" is in hiding - that she's actually afraid to come out to play or is confused about when it's appropriate for her to do so. She also has some underlying fears - the strongest of which is the fear of being ridiculed. I could see that this is learned behaviour from my childhood - behaviour I used to protect myself during periods of my life - but behaviour that is no longer beneficial. Somehow my behaviour morphed into an adult's coping mechanism.

The whole scenero reminded me of one episode from the Star Trek Series - The Next Generation where Data is talking to a young boy who is curious about how Data operates. Data confides that he too often wonders what it is like to be a child. The young boy tells him that the best way to learn about being a child is to learn to play. When they part at the end, the boy reminds Data to "play a little every day". I always thought this was good advice.

For some of us, playing comes naturally. For me, I still have to remind myself that it's okay to have fun and it's actually a good thing to do what you enjoy.

This realization hasn't concluded my quest; it's only been a stop along the way. My direction has changed though, from an outward to an inward search for happiness. I figure that once I have found the laughter in my heart, I'll be able to laugh at life too.